5 Top Tips for Happy Blended Living

In those early, heady days of dating, when you’re busy stealing any minute you have spare together - a quick half an hour in the car park having a snog in the car while a child’s in a swimming lesson - and praising each other’s parenting (your children eat homemade hummus and broccoli, you are the one for me) it’s difficult to conjure up any vision of a future which falls short of a Walton’s bedtime. Of course everyone will always be fulfilled by the day and joyously bid goodnight to each other. 

But what happens when you’ve made that all important decision to take the next step and move in together? Will your children get along? Will they like your partner or resent them for taking you away? Will your partner’s children like you? And what time is bedtime? 

1. Let it go 

Don’t take it personally when they draw comparisons between you and their parent in the other house. When you’ve devoted the entire half-term break to crafting, baking, building lego, being a hair model and traipsing round museums trying to pretend it’s as exciting as you’re telling them it is, it can feel like a kick in the teeth when hand over day comes and they joyfully turn round and tell you that mummy is taking them to a hotel with a pool and pony rides and go karts. Good for mummy, you want to scream, but don’t because you remember you’re the grown up. Humans naturally want to share the good moments in life with the people they love and your step-children are no different. They are just sharing their life with you because they love you and it doesn’t mean that those days spent with them insisting that you keep 3 bunches in while you go down to the shops or choosing yet another rubber wormlike fidget toy in the gift shop for going longer than 10 minutes without whining in Ancient Egypt are of any less value to them.

2. Sibling rivalry

One of the difficulties I often have is trying to determine whether something would happen in a ‘nuclear’, non-blended family. When your daughter tells your youngest step-daughter that she’s her ‘real daughter’, is that a fatal blow for your blend, or is it just the handiest cut-throat remark she had in her repertoire at that moment? Is it any different from when your own sister screamed that you’re adopted because you left the lid off her electric blue Miss Selfridge mascara when you nicked it and it’s now dried out? Remember, killer sibling jibes are a normal part of growing up in a busy family household. When they are ganging up together in the back of the car to harang you into buying them a McDonald’s on the way home from a road trip, you’ll remember proudly that there is plenty of love.

3. House rules

While it’s likely that you and your new partner share a lot of the same outlook in life (otherwise you wouldn’t be together, right?), it’s unlikely that you both parent in exactly the same way and you might quickly find yourselves disagreeing over things like pocket money, bed times and how much screen time your little darlings should be subjected to. 

Why not sit down as a family and come up with some house rules for your new home together. 

Discuss behaviour expectations, bed times and boundaries so everyone is clear. Ask each child what is important to them, what is an absolute no no and what they can compromise on. This allows everyone to have some ownership, rather than feeling put out because they are having someone else’s rules thrust upon them. You could even write your new rules up on a blackboard and display them proudly somewhere, as a gentle reminder of what you all agreed. Having rules that everyone follows not only means that everyone is clear about expectations, but it also strengthens the sense of togetherness that you want to foster in your new family unit. You might want to think about routine rules such as ‘dirty clothes go in the washing basket every night’ and ‘the dinner table is a phone-free zone’ to ones which promote respect such as ‘knock before you enter someone’s bedroom’ and ‘talk things out rather than shout’. Take a look at these examples of some household rules to get you started.

4. Make time for you as a couple

The reason you’re all together is because of you two. You made a big decision for you and your children when you decided that your partner was the one you wanted to share your life with, so it’s important to nurture your relationship and maintain that connection. We have just one of our children to look after half the time and as she has now reached teenage years, she spends more and more time out and about socialising. My husband and I grab these chances to spend some quality time together, even if it's just taking the dog for a walk. There is something extra special about the free time you find yourself with when you haven't had to ask for a babysitter! We are also very lucky to be surrounded by amazing grandparents who can step in for the evening to allow us a night out from time to time, but if you haven't got a grandparent on hand, why not try offering a swap with a friend who also needs the support? Get some snacks in and ask them over to have a movie night with your kids. Most parents would be delighted to skip a bedtime at theirs for an easy evening with their feet up, content in the knowledge that the favour will be reciprocated.

So, however you do it, make the most of the time with each other. Reflect on what attracted you to each other in the first place, reminisce about your first date, plan some future dates! My children are happiest when we are happy and it's very important to me to maintain that. In fact, my children will often conspiratorially join me in lobbying my husband for something and my stepson will breezily tell him ‘Dad, happy wife, happy life’! This absolutely works the other way round too, and I Iove that our children are growing up with an awareness that part of being in a relationship is about give and take, connection and lots of laughs.

5. Keep talking

This is the most important thing you can do for your new family unit. It’s no secret that the cause of many relationship breakdowns is lack of or poor communication. Another major reason relationships end when children are involved, is because your parenting styles just don’t match. It can be hard enough to agree on things like how to discipline and where they go to school when you are parenting the children you share, so it is vital to make time for respectful, constructive conversations when you don’t see eye to eye on something. Discuss disagreements away from the children and enlist some support from a trained therapist if needed.